Reading the following title made me pause and think about the power of the cell phone: Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age by Sherry Turkle. Published in 2016, her research and discoveries are astonishing and even more relevant today. Working with young people in schools, she has measured how texting, emails, and other technological means of communication have lowered the level of empathy one feels for another and others. The smart phone, she believes, has altered not only behavior with one another, but the prospect of intimacy itself. Smart phones sit at the dinner table and restaurants like an additional guest, face- up, ready to be pounced on when it rings or buzzes; fear of boredom is the major player among 18-24 year olds, Turkle has discovered, so the computer or cell phone is the instant escape from solitude, being alone or feeling bored, isolated, and left out. It is also the default corridor to escape conversation.
Her research reveals that the technology we lionize is also the technology that can silence us, especially in muffling conversation, either on the phone or face-to-face. Her subjects tell her that they would rather text someone than talk to them directly. Fear of “not getting it right” is the main reason offered for not wanting to have a conversation with another: one might say something and get it wrong. There is no time to edit or to control the communication when it is “live.” She uses the image that far from conversing more, we connect more; connection overrides conversing; consequently, we can find ourselves in a “technological cockpit,” isolated from any ideas, notions, feelings or beliefs that do not agree with our own. Conversation, real conversing, throws one into ambiguity, into a place where ideas take on their own life, and are less controllable and at times less agreeable. But the trade-off can also lead to new insights and realizations not considered before. Giving up controlling process or outcomes is essential.
She insists that there is hope in retrieving conversation, which is directly linked to civilization. Civilization brings up its beginning word, civility. Bullying, Turkle suggests, especially on-line bullying, may be experiencing such an acceleration because one does not see the other person’s reactions, his/her feelings, or the trauma incited. Empathy is erased or sharply abridged by technology because the other person is not present in an embodied way, nor can their emotions be experienced.
Conversation moves in another direction: it promotes intimacy and uncertainty; in conversation one is not fighting to be right or to win, but to understand the point of view of another and one’s own, more fully. “Face-to-face conversation unfolds slowly. It teaches patience. We attend to tone and nuance. When we communicate on our digital devices, however, we learn different habits…. We dumb down our communications, even on the most important matters. And we become accustomed to a life of constant interruption” (p. 35) that allows only the briefest of sound-bytes. Conversation needs duration and durability. Real conversation, not passing information back and forth, can serve as “a crucible for discovery” (p. 37). Ideas “come from speaking.” What matters most in conversation is risky. “The thrill of “risky talk” comes from being in the presence of and in close connection to your listener.” One gives up control and allows ideas to have their own way, to see where they lead, and what connections might be stirred in the crucible of time and duration, not in the pauses between constant interruption.
Turkle’s research reveals that the average adult checks his/her phone every 6.5 minutes; teenagers send an average of 100 texts per day. 80% sleep with their phones and will check them when they roll over during a night’s sleep; 44% never unplug from their devices” (p. 42). My guess is that these stats are far too conservative today, 2020. The behavior is both compulsive and addictive. Instead of spurning interruptions, we then tend to welcome them to keep the wolf of boredom at bay.
Stillness is eliminated; solitude turns to loneliness and terrifies; we multi-task and concentrate on something for only a few minutes or even seconds. Our lives can easily become scattered and so full of busyness that at the end of the day we are left with little to reflect on; in fact, reflection, a first cousin to conversation, seems a lost art. The end result is a shallow and incomplete sense of who we even are as a person. One may feel a growing dread of living an incoherent life.
Perhaps more than a little of the brutality we see today in human interactions is a direct mirroring of how technology is insisting and training us how to relate to one another.
Nonetheless, Turkle remains hopeful; she believes we can reclaim conversation, and with it an earlier form of intimacy, community and basic human respect for one another’s point of view without necessarily acquiescing to it. Listening is often enough because the other feels heard. Shrill attacks on what another thinks or believes reduces our humanness and with it, civilization itself is dealt a wounding blow. True conversation is one of those rare win-win human delights. Not winners and losers.